It has almost been a month plus since we last talked. How are you?
Its funny. We're not together anymore, we're not in love anymore, but whenever I'm driving, I think of you because almost every love song being played on the radio reminds me of you. I tell myself I cant. How could I think of someone who held my heart in his palm and pretend it never happened?
I wanted to ask you again why it was so hard. I wanted to ask if you ever felt the pain like I did. I wanted to know if you ever felt something when things reminded you of the memories we made. I wanted to. And I didn't know that your "I love you" implied "I love you until you're too hard to deal with anymore" but I really wish I did. He deleted your number from my phone the other day. I winced. But again I was thankful for it later because at certain times like that when I was drowning in thoughts, I typed them into words but I got nobody to send it to. A month ago you asked me not to bother you anymore, I listened.
We were once everything, and now we're just a pair of strangers with memories. I was feeling rather thankful that I dont bump into you in college. Until that day, I saw you right in front of me and my heart dropped. The way you walked, the way you talked and laughed, everything felt so familiar. Just that you were with your friends, and I was walking behind, knowing that things are just not the same anymore. You guys slowed down and I just walked pass, pretending I was using my phone. God knows how I was trembling and you didn't know. Yeah, how would you know?
Letting go of you was really hard. It's simply accepting that we're not gonna be a part of each others' lives anymore. All the ups and downs we've been through together since we were 14, are all down in drain now. When you left, I lost a part of myself. I stayed up countless nights wondering what I could've done to get back what we used to have. I just wanted to talk on the phone with you in the dark, planning our forever one more time. I would have given anything to have those times again.
But now I dont have those nights anymore. Because I've finally realized I've done and tried so much until an extent where there's nothing else I could do but to let you go.
I used to want my words to hit you like a brick wall, or something even more painful. I used to want my words to hurt you the way yours hurt me. You probably wouldn't even care, but I wished I could. However, not anymore. It impacted my life in a whole new level that I still go between wishing it didnt happen and wishing it didnt end, but it doesnt matter anymore. I cant make you love me. I cant make you want to stay and fight for us. I cant change how you feel towards her or why you made your decision. But I've finally accepted the fact that I cant change any of it. I've finally accepted that it's over and I'm certainly more in love with the memories than with the person you are now.
Sometimes my chest still hurts when I hear about you and her, I cant explain why it still messes me up but I guess a part of me will always have a weak spot for you, because you're still the only person who has had the best of me. You taught me how to love. You taught me love isnt about red roses, dates on weekends or boxes that held expensive things. You taught me love isnt about the perfect story but unfortunately ours couldn't go far and we lost it.
I never loved anyone the way I loved you, and you really were the only one I wanted to be with. That was the thing, and I guess I will never really get used to it, the idea of you being gone. Sometimes I will hear a song, or pass something and have a quick memory of us. But I dont long for those the way I used to anymore. I can finally feel the dots connecting and I guess eventually I'm cutting the cord, doing what I should have done months ago.
I'm finally digesting this, slowly but surely.
Thank you for not being there anymore.
Your absence has forced me to find my own way.
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