想哭的时候 背对世界转身

If I left the world today would they ever regret what they'd done to me?

 

   

Behind all these smiles and "I'm fine duh look at me", no one hears the silent tears collecting 

Because I still cry over the past.

Because I still wonder why.

Because it's just for covering up.

So don't come ruining my show, would you? 

You're doing so much better, Joey. Keep moving. Keep moving even though it's really tiring sometimes. 

You're gonna get there soon 

Have a friend of yours ever came to you sad and frustrated over a certain matter asking for advice? You’re there nodding, listening as she pours out all the unfortunate events that she’s dealt with? In the midst of listening, you catch yourself thinking “damn, if only she could see how easily obtainable the solution to her problems are.” Well, that’s because you have a bird’s eye view of the scenario. You hear what happened from start till end without a blanket of emotions clouding your better judgement.

I was that sad and frustrated friend at one point. I kept ranting and crying about the same petty matter day in and day out. All over again and again. At the time, my problems seemed relevant. They seemed important. That’s because I still cared. I still had a strong emotional bond towards what’s bothering me. I gave it the power to control my mood and thoughts, hence why my decisions were always clouded. However, now that I’m over it, I finally see my predicament for what it really is and how irrelevant it was. That’s why you catch yourself thinking things like ‘lol i was so stupid’ or ‘damn..cant believe that bothered me so much’ whenever you flash back to a past event.

Its like when you’ve just taken a hot shower and looked into the foggy mirror, you can hardly see your reflection but one swipe of the hand and what you’re looking for is crystal clear. 

Some things are simpler than they seem. However, it is made a hundred times harder due to your emotional bond to the matter. Basically, you are torn between listening to your head or your heart. You can’t choose both. Either your head or your heart, you set the other on fire. 

Glad thats over for me. It was hella exhausting having two voices in your head. 

Have you ever been so in love with someone that made you feel like he or she is the only reason that made you feel alive? Have you ever had someone who made you feel that you never want to be separated from him or her? 

And you started isolating yourself from others because as long as he or she is around, everything else doesn't matter anymore.


Have you? 




I once distanced myself from friends of the opposite sex because I was in love and I couldn't risk to lose him. I somehow did it intentionally but at the same time, unintentionally as well. Intentionally as in I did not want him to feel jealous and insecure just because I was too close to my boy friends, so I stopped myself from hanging around with them so much. And as for unintentionally, my time was always occupied with 'him', so I did not really have time for others. Even if I could, I wouldn't. I was always busy spending every single moment I could with him whenever we were in the school compound. Even during the holidays, I was busy planning where to go with him. And there were the times where I was busy replying or waiting for his messages or calls. I was busy thinking about what were the things I could do for his birthday, Valentines Day and whatsoever day to make his day, to make him happy. 


Everything was about him. Nobody else. There I did not realize how I was actually slowly pulling myself away and neglecting my best friend. 


I stopped replying his messages and I started to find excuses for that. I wasn't bothered to spend quality time with him when we had the chance to. I took him for granted, thinking he would always be there. I did not realize how I was ruining our relationship. And most importantly, I did not realize how disappointed and upset he was. 


People always say that what goes around, comes around. I've always been questioning myself about why is everyone I loved so much leaving one by one. Why did they all take granted of what I did for them and just left like that? But now I realized, it was me who put aside and left the ones who loved me first. It was me who took granted of the ones who were always there by my side.  


And when things fell apart, I lost both sides. There was no one I could really go to. He was still there, but it's just not the same anymore. He asked why is he always the last one to know about things, I kept quiet. How could I just run back to him after screwing things up between us? How could I expect him to still listen to my stories after months of not bothering about him?  


I messed up so hard. And if I had the chance, I would go back in time to make things right again. Whatever it is, I still really want to thank him for still being here and never leaving. Thank You, for this second chance. 

As long as you know you're doing the right thing, don't ever drop your bestfriends for your partner. You would've lose people who would've stayed with you forever just for someone who might be temporary. 

You're struggling. For whatever reason, you think you're gonna be stuck with whatever issue you're currently having. But you know what? Victory only comes after a struggle. So pull yourself together and hang in there, you. I know you're going to make it. You still have your whole life ahead of you. 

Happiness is waiting for you at the end of the tunnel. 

I can finally breathe on my own.

After taking a hot bath, I got in my bed and I thought of browsing through my photo album on phone before sleeping. There I came across a few photos of us. I thought I'd deleted all of them, well guess not.



It has almost been a month plus since we last talked. How are you?



Its funny. We're not together anymore, we're not in love anymore, but whenever I'm driving, I think of you because almost every love song being played on the radio reminds me of you. I tell myself I cant. How could I think of someone who held my heart in his palm and pretend it never happened?


I wanted to ask you again why it was so hard. I wanted to ask if you ever felt the pain like I did. I wanted to know if you ever felt something when things reminded you of the memories we made. I wanted to. And I didn't know that your "I love you" implied "I love you until you're too hard to deal with anymore" but I really wish I did. He deleted your number from my phone the other day. I winced. But again I was thankful for it later because at certain times like that when I was drowning in thoughts, I typed them into words but I got nobody to send it to. A month ago you asked me not to bother you anymore, I listened.


We were once everything, and now we're just a pair of strangers with memories. I was feeling rather thankful that I dont bump into you in college. Until that day, I saw you right in front of me and my heart dropped. The way you walked, the way you talked and laughed, everything felt so familiar. Just that you were with your friends, and I was walking behind, knowing that things are just not the same anymore. You guys slowed down and I just walked pass, pretending I was using my phone. God knows how I was trembling and you didn't know. Yeah, how would you know?


Letting go of you was really hard. It's simply accepting that we're not gonna be a part of each others' lives anymore. All the ups and downs we've been through together since we were 14, are all down in drain now. When you left, I lost a part of myself. I stayed up countless nights wondering what I could've done to get back what we used to have. I just wanted to talk on the phone with you in the dark, planning our forever one more time. I would have given anything to have those times again.

But now I dont have those nights anymore. Because I've finally realized I've done and tried so much until an extent where there's nothing else I could do but to let you go.



I used to want my words to hit you like a brick wall, or something even more painful. I used to want my words to hurt you the way yours hurt me. You probably wouldn't even care, but I wished I could. However, not anymore. It impacted my life in a whole new level that I still go between wishing it didnt happen and wishing it didnt end, but it doesnt matter anymore. I cant make you love me. I cant make you want to stay and fight for us. I cant change how you feel towards her or why you made your decision. But I've finally accepted the fact that I cant change any of it. I've finally accepted that it's over and I'm certainly more in love with the memories than with the person you are now.


Sometimes my chest still hurts when I hear about you and her, I cant explain why it still messes me up but I guess a part of me will always have a weak spot for you, because you're still the only person who has had the best of me. You taught me how to love. You taught me love isnt about red roses, dates on weekends or boxes that held expensive things. You taught me love isnt about the perfect story but unfortunately ours couldn't go far and we lost it.


I never loved anyone the way I loved you, and you really were the only one I wanted to be with. That was the thing, and I guess I will never really get used to it, the idea of you being gone. Sometimes I will hear a song, or pass something and have a quick memory of us. But I dont long for those the way I used to anymore. I can finally feel the dots connecting and I guess eventually I'm cutting the cord, doing what I should have done months ago.



I'm finally digesting this, slowly but surely.

Thank you for not being there anymore. 

Your absence has forced me to find my own way.